Uchiha: Ultimate Jutsu
by OniChild42
Summary: A story based off of a comic. Sasuke and Sakura are married with seven children. Sakura decides to teach her daughters the "ultimate jutsu". Hilarity ensues. SasuSaku. Just another oneshot for laughs. Enjoy.


At the Uchiha residence, all was silent. Sakura had gathered her daughters in the backyard, and was preparing to give the girls a private ninja lesson.

The four daughters stood in the dirt yard, the eldest, Nishi, was watching her mother with mild interest. The middle daughter, Sanyu, was nervously looking at the ground. The two twins Shiori and Yone were excitedly cheering at the thought of learning a new technique, and the youngest, Goro, was absentmindedly watching them, her hair tied in its trademark style.

"Now…" Said Sakura, as she adjusted her headband securely on her forehead, "You're not just Uchiha clan members," she smiled, "You're Haruno girls as well!"

She stepped into the center of the field, pink hair flowing, "Today, I'll be teaching you a jutsu that has been passed down for generations!"

The daughters exchanged worried looks.

Sanyu continued staring, but said nothing.

Nishi looked up at her mother, a nervous thought crossing her mind, "What kind of jutsu, Mother?"

Sakura chuckled, "As girls, it's very important to know how to protect yourself, so pay attention. This jutsu is called… THE ULTIMATE ATTACK OF ETERNAL AGONY."

Sanyu blinked.

The other girls stared at their mother.

"And as a visual aid, Uncle Naruto is going to help us!" Sakura said happily as she stabbed a training dummy into the ground.

Sanyu blinked again, "But that's just a dummy with a picture of his face taped on!"

Sakura grinned, "Let's just pretend. Now, for this jutsu to work you must concentrate all of your chakra into one focal point in your foot. Then… perform like so."

Sakura took a step back before viciously pummeling her right foot into the dummy's groin, all the while screaming, **"NARUTO YOU _IDIOT!"_**

The dummy was sent flying into the stratosphere.

The eldest daughter shielded her eyes and watched the dummy soar, "Wow, nice one Mom."

Yone, who was hiding behind Sakura called out, "Mommy kicked the Hokage!"

"He's not the Hokage yet, baby," Sakura answered.

Several miles away, Naruto suddenly looked around.

_Why do I suddenly feel like someone wishes to kill me?_

Back at the Uchiha complex, Sasuke was hiding behind the back door with his youngest son in his arms, shivering. His eldest child, Ichi, was crouched next to him, watching in awe.

"Shouldn't that be a forbidden jutsu?" Ichi whispered to his father.

Sakura wheeled around, her eyes resting on the back door.

Sasuke and his sons quickly hid behind the door.

"Do you think she saw us?" He whispered.

He was answered by Sakura ripping off the doors, "Yes, I think she did."

Ichi glanced up at his mother, "H-h-hello, M-mother…"

**"Sasuke, Ichi, did I not warn you that this was a girl-only affair and that the consequences would be dire?"**Sakura whispered.

There was a pause as Sasuke looked to his son, and then to his wife.

Sasuke lifted his youngest son to his eye level. Roku, since he was a baby, gurgled and reached out for his father's face. Sasuke sighed.

"Roku… Please forgive your father, but sacrifices must be made…"

**"BABY TOSS NO-JUTSU!"** Sasuke screamed and flung his youngest child into the air.

Sakura, momentarily distracted, dived for her baby, yelling, "ROKU!"

"RUN AWAY!" Ichi shrieked as he turned and sprinted out of the compound. He was followed shortly after by Sasuke, who turned to see if his wife was following them. No luck. She'd wait until they'd come home to kill them.

As they ran, Ichi looked at his father and sighed.

"You know Dad, I feel bad about leaving Roku like that..."

Sasuke was unfazed, "I calculated our chances of survival and Roku, with his baby cuteness, had a 58.3 higher chance than both of us combined. Hence, with his higher survival rate he was the ultimate choice."

Ichi gaped at his father, "Wow Dad, you're so smart!"

Sasuke snorted, "Pfft. I am a genius ninja after all."

They rounded a corner, "What do we do now?"

Sasuke answered, "We hide. In the last place anyone would suspect."

Ichi blinked,"What? Like Uncle Naruto's place?"

"Foolish son. No. That's the first place your mother would think to look." Sasuke snapped at him.

Ichi thought for a moment, "I dunno. The Military Police Department? The Forest of Death? Erm… Old man Kakashi's store?"

" No. No. And you better hope you were joking _no. _Follow and learn."

" Ok."

---

Several minutes later they had arrived at the Aburame complex.

Sasuke knocked on the door. When it opened, Shino Aburame stepped out, staring silently at Sasuke and his son.

" ..."

"Wife."

" Ah, come on in Uchiha."

---

_**And they lived happily ever after.**_

_**Or, you know, whatever.**_

_**Hey y'all on the Ethernet, OniChild42 here with a few words and apologies.**_

_**This entire story is based off of a comic by "carrinth" on an art site known as DA. or Deviant Art. Her comic, which was funnier and made more sense, can be found on Deviant Art. I give her total credit, I just wrote it in story form.**_

_**Some reviews would be nice, and I apologize to many, many people.**_

_**Sorry to the readers for the grammar and basic abuse of the English language.**_

_**Sorry to "carrinth" for this sucky interpretation of your comic.**_

_**So... yeah, just send back a review and tell me what you think. And stuff... Thank you for reading. **_


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